Suffocation

I had the second portion of my sleep study last night. Apparently with all my other “old age” creeping up on me ailments I now have sleep apnea. My throat constricts (I believe it is because of all the lovely fat that is in my honking big neck) when I lay on my back to sleep. The technician was working to see what size of mask and how much air pressure I needed to keep my airway open so that I could breathe and get the necessary amount of oxygen flowing through my blood. I will have to wear this mask and have air pushing into my nose and mouth so that I can breath continuously through the night until I don't know when.

When he first put the mask on I thought okay I can deal with this. I have claustrophobia. The mask was so tight on my face it actually hurt, I felt physical pain. I couldn’t catch my breath. I couldn’t open my mouth wide and yawn, which helps me inhale deeply. I was angry with myself for allowing my weight to get so out of hand. I kept saying over and over, it’s going to be okay, just relax the pain will subside and you will fall asleep. I did rest for a little bit. Then I was awakened by a noise.

There were some leakages taking place with the mask which meant the proper seal was not in place, therefore, I was not able to sleep because the noise of the escaping air kept waking me up. The technician gave me a break from the mask for a few minutes and I was feeling okay at that point. Then he had to put it back on. He got it placed again properly and secured onto my face so that the seal was hopefully solid. As I lay there, awake, I again tried to convince myself that I would be okay. This time I began to panic and wanted to scream and claw at this intrusion so that I could be breathe freely. I started praying and asking God to help me calm down and relax, to forget the thing that was so blatantly in my face. Instead He calmed me down and helped me to deal with what was in my face. I realized that I had to confront this fear and accept that it was something that was going to be a part of me, like it or not, and trust Him to help me handle it.

How awesome God is, because as I was dealing with this very physical issue He helped me see back to the time when I was first faced with separation and divorce. It was something that was blatantly in my face and definitely not something I wanted. So many times in the first few months I felt so panicked and overwhelmed with what I had to face I wanted to scream, and angry I wanted to claw the face of “him.” I had many nights with leakages that caused me to not sleep. The racking sobs were so hard to control, much less stop. I felt physical pain from all the sleepless nights, not able to eat, feeling as though I would not be able to catch my breath, and being angry with the one who made decisions that put me in this position. Most of these nights instead of just lying there I would turn on my light and pull out my Bible and read another Psalm and journal my feelings. One night I was flipping back to Psalms and my eyes fell upon Isaiah 43:1-3a. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. Right before my eyes was the encouragement I needed to keep going, keep trusting and believing that I would be able to handle what was before me. **“But now, O[*put in your name*], the Lord who created you says: “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are MINE. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.” I realized that I needed to let the “expert” adjust my mask and get the pressure right so that I could breath properly and not give under the pressure of my life that was before me. I definitely didn’t want to quit until He was finished refining and defining me.

Whether you are going through separation and divorce right now or some other obstacle is blatantly in your face, believe me when I say, “He will get you through it” you have to quit fighting and panicking at every turn and simply turn it over to Him. Let Him set the pressure and I can guarantee you will come though feeling better than you could ever imagine. You will look back and think it wasn’t so bad after all. Your problems will not suffocate you if you give them to Him.

**Isaiah 43:1-3b NLT *Lord in the text